Youre only asking for heartache down the road. His anger is unwarranted unless its directed at himself. I do plan to stay on my birth control because having a period every month doesnt sound like loads of fun after only having 4 a year for so long. )boyfriend who got the woman pregnant. Mistakes That Can Make a Breakup Worse and What to Do Instead - Insider female Have you ever seen an episode of the Maury show or any other talk drama show? I dont know what to think or believe. Youve never used malarky in any prior comment, so I just dont believe you. April 9, 2012, 1:28 pm. April 10, 2012, 9:46 pm. The good news is that yours are a little less awful. Its fucking unfair. And you want to marry this guy because.why? In the case where a woman goes to prison because she raped a kid, you can bet theyre going to hit her up for child support too. There is no 100 percent way to prevent pregnancy. No, he could be furious at the legal system that compelled it or at the woman (who, by the way, was equally culpable in the creation) who opts to continue with a child only she wants. The LW said that he is furious that shes keeping the baby. This baby will need a dad, not just a check, and if he can walk away from this child he can walk away from you just as easily. The crazies on both sides just come crawling out of the woodwork. Or pining away for a father figure theyll never, ever have? Ive done too many drugs and Id never write a letter like this XD. 8 Red Flags that Her Pregnancy is a Trap. Now I also believe that the LW is exposing herself to STDs not this guy, because she knows that he had unprotected sex with another women, and she still chooses to be with him either way. April 10, 2012, 11:39 am, Im NOT saying she should abort, just that shes an idiot & she shouldnt expect a one-night stander to suddenly be a father. Id at least like a comment from the LW, since, as much fun as this has been, I do agree that it seems not unlikely that the letter is contrived. That was almost two years ago, and we never saw each other, spoke, or texted again. How about equal right for, you know, everyone? Wow, youre a real piece of work, arent you. I would suggest that the man under discussion would not be sponge-worthy. Then, again you seem a tad immature so maybe you deserve each other. lets_be_honest My Wife Had Fun With My Best Friend And Destroyed Our Son's Future My point is if you dont want kids there are always ways to prevent that he chose not to and now he can deal with the consequences. There is a chance it isnt his. The risk of pregnancy if something goes wrong broken condom, etc. Oh, and I really dislike when every accidental pregnancy letter we get on here because a huge fest for people throwing around you were too stupid to use a condom or you didnt try to prevent pregnancy at all, when we really have NO information regarding what precautions they did or did not take. Actually, pulling out has a 4% failure rate versus 2% for condoms for perfect use. Her mother supported her and helped raise my sister for the first couple of years. I dont think she should have any sort of legal say about the decision to keep the baby, but I dont think shes committing some horrendous crime for judging it. LOL What? He was clearly having unprotected sex with at least one other person. Im not a woman hater happily married for 15 years, and I love my mother, my sister and even my mother-in-law. TheQuietOne I think its pretty unfair that women have the choice to abort or not, and the man gets no say in that, not really. That is a risk women take. You need to be consistent in your line of reasoning.. It would be one thing if he just lashed out in momentary anger/shock, but soon came around to a more sane discussion of options, etc. But I almost laughed out loud when I read untrappable. I am pro-choice, for both woman and for men. April 9, 2012, 5:29 pm. Oops, it took so long that I thought my post was lost in space. He willingly engaged in sex (apparently without a condom) with a woman he knew for two minutes. So your boyfriend said he doesnt want anything to do with his own child (besides the child support) and you didnt run screaming the other way? And maybe she is a harlot of sorts. Thats the risk that you take. I know plenty of women who are exemplary parents. Personally, I wouldnt. It upsets me how much anger seems to be directed towards this unborn child. And finally we see what youre doing ranting about paternity laws and mens rights on a relationship advice site. If he was the kinda guy that decided he wanted to be in his childs life every 5 years when it was convenient and made promises that he never kept and lost interest after a while, that would be seriously damaging to that childs sense of self-worth. April 9, 2012, 3:07 pm. This desicion has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. I dont think hed be right to be furious in many possible scenarios that would still fit what was said in this letter, but there are ones that would which I think would cause justifiable fury. Should I leave my GF because she's pregnant by someone else? Painted_lady reader, marissa0916+, writes (26 August 2015): A lets_be_honest Im sorry, but sex creates children. As a woman, I have to take responsibility that any man I have sex with may very well walk away from me never to be heard from again leaving me with a child to raise alone. April 9, 2012, 5:24 pm, The mention of being logical for some reason made me think of the whole idea of true abandonment. You mean, a man shouldnt be able to decide to throw money at his child, but never once be involved whatsoever in the childs life?. Either_Coconut 3 mo. Neither one of THEM created a child. Whatever happened to you to make you hate women doesnt have to mean a lifetime of whiny bitterness. it will be her due by July or Aug. well, The reason why I asked you about your opinion because it's really hard for me to make a decision to leave her behide her pregnant on her own. bittergaymark However, its your choice whether or not to get back together with him. Dont let him use you because his life is in chaos now. Marriages (or partnerships) are not secondary to parent-children relationships; nor are they primary. April 10, 2012, 12:44 pm. ele4phant SpaceySteph Not only to prevent babies but to protect yourself from STDs. I can agree with you that the decision about which medical proceedure she under goes after that point is totally hers., Is it any wonder that 40% of the kids born today are bastards?. It will never be equal. Or that the person youve known for two minutes and are now having sex with is being honest with you about anything. Reading your letter, you are far too immature to handle this. Dont engage in the action. Offset Changes Instagram Avatar to Takeoff Photo After His Death. Wrapping it up doesnt prevent pregnancy. I think this guy is a jerk not because he had sex with someone else when he was single, but because he is taking no responsibility for a life he created. Talk about malarky. Yes everyone went bonkers. Because, you dont know the other person you dont if they remember to take their pill on time, if they forget pills for days at a time, if they are taking antibiotics, or if youre just one of the unlucky small small percentage that gets pregnant while taking the pill. Why you waste any time belly aching about how unfair it is, is beyond me. That base of support is crucial for serving the child best. April 10, 2012, 6:32 pm. April 9, 2012, 1:15 pm. He said he felt forced to be with someone he doesnt love and, blah blah blah. Again, no. Its not a secret that it works that way in our society. April 10, 2012, 11:45 am. Having read some of the (ahem) well-reasoned responses to my post (and your response), I realize the interwebs are probably not the best place to argue the merits of paternity law. Dude and LW split, Dude meets Lady, Dude and Lady go home together. Just once. April 9, 2012, 12:13 pm. Stop insulting her and learn to see the situation for what it really is. The woman also gets to choose to keep the baby if she wants (even against his wishes), and gets the added benefit of forcing an unwitting and unwilling father into servitude for what is completely and totally her choice by your own admission. He says he told her hes not happy about this pregnancy and didnt want a baby and asked her to abort as he was 40 years old. Because otherwise, society would, if you could never work again and started collecting welfare, etc. Im arguing that he should be able to get out of the responsibility in the same way that a woman can get out of that responsibility. I think your maturity should absolutely, completely be judged against how you react when life throws you unexpected thingslike an unplanned pregnancy. Lucky us. Neither are the kids, but thats beside the point where feminism is concerned, right?, And dont worry, my sons will have the good sense to stay away from your daughters.. But still. And shame on you for agreeing that he is entitled to this opinion. Though Ill grant you one concession: Not having this man in a childs life might be a blessing in disguise. I have two young sons I dearly hope neither of them ever come across a woman as conniving as you appear to be. Chopper jump on another severe cold day with the right hand exposed to activate the reserve chute. Then, when you decided to get back together he wasnt so sure he wanted to be in a relationship with you. iseeshiny April 9, 2012, 9:19 pm, Note I said 99% of PEOPLE in that situation, not women. the manchild gene!! Nothing about that makes him the definition of immature or of an asshole. I was just 6 months into a relationship when I got pregnant. He can be one he better be one- and still be a loyal partner to you. If its not easy and its not what one wants, opt out of it. But if she is not YOU need to decide if you can handle your boyfriend having a child with another woman. He doesnt have to have a romantic relatioship with her, but if she keeps the baby, and IF he is a real man, then this woman will be in his life for the rest of his, as the child is her child as well as his. He basically put you out of his mind, then he wanted you to assume his guilt. April 10, 2012, 7:00 pm, If you dont want to potentially end up with a kid with a woman you cant stand, dont have sex with her.. I dont know. April 10, 2012, 7:15 pm. You deserve each other! Do you know how much day care alone is a month? Wow RR, I like it when you get angry. So what? Well, its possible that he didnt know her at all, but then after coitus he began to get to know her and things went downhill from there. My boyfriend got a girl pregnant during a breakup. What should - Quora April 9, 2012, 2:37 pm, Well, its always possible that shes NOT in her right mind. Im not sure. How does your law make this fair? It would have been way happier if its bottles didnt explode. It isnt pertinent to the discussion. Our resident male troll is back and defending his gender. Step away slowly. Hes scum because he plans on abandoning the baby. Model Mustang. 3. Ever since U.S. Yep. female WTF!!! If you were instrumental in the making of the child congratulations it is yours. any story where a man was forcibly stopping someone from getting an abortion- Yes, that is terrible of the man in question. Which keeps me pretty busy, and Im married to my daughters mother. Because women are always unfairly saddled with the burden of child birth, we will always be the ones who make the choices about whats going on in our own bodies. If I polled my high school, and under Forms of Contraception I included Pulling Out, Im estimating (based on the number of children at my last reunion) that would be about 70% of respondents methods. "My mom got pregnant from a one-night-stand at 16. Ill weigh in on this If its a guy I dont know well enough regarding his sexual prowess, no way am I going down on him. If there is no child at conception You have to grow up and stop this childish immature desiring for a man who keeps you hanging around. I think hes scum because 1.- he asked the other woman to have an abortion and 2.- now hes mad that she didnt. Exactly; he sounds like a total loser, and how the hell would she ever be able to trust him going forward? But I answer younger peopleI even have made some comments on Teen Rant. This is why homosexual couples have to adopt. After 7 months I moved back, but upon moving back he made a confession to me. That is a WAY better scenario than I mentioned above which would be an in and out dad who pays zilch and really fucks the kids head up. I dont think Ive ever seen you swear on here before! Not everyone believes that. So, let it be over. April 10, 2012, 12:00 am. If you want something different, you must do something different. April 10, 2012, 10:28 am. Totally personal question, but have you ever been in the position where you had to choose whether or not to have an abortion? Anytime you have sex, theres a chance you could get pregnant, no matter how careful you are. April 10, 2012, 7:07 pm. But by that same logic, you must be prepared to call a woman who doesnt want to be a mom a scumbag for getting an abortion (in the instances the guy wants to keep it but that woman doesnt). Whether this guy decides to be a part of this childs life or not is up to his conscience. Everyone is pretty much in agreement there. Just feeding on each other and leaving a trail of human wreckage in their wake. Yes, it would be nice if he were eager to become a parent. The adoption process has a pretty involved vetting procedure- meaning that birth parents can reasonably assume the child will be cared for by the adoptive parent or parents. The fact that all this happened doesnt mean hes some despicable jackass. an objective reading of the circumstances she describes suggests that its a legitimate consideration.. Its very comforting to hear and I hope to do as good of a job as your mother did. He made his position very clear very early on. April 9, 2012, 5:48 pm. At conception there is a zygote, then an embryo and then a fetus. He is doing alot better. Its more than I can handle on a Monday! Hi. Hell of course express things in a way that maximizes the chance of him not doing any more to hurt the LW than necessary. Outstanding dont have kids. I wouldnt want to hang around to find out. Its a two way street guys. Theres a fun scenario. In this situation, there would be no contest of custody or support. It makes sense that she would do everything she could to convince us that this other woman wanting to keep the child is the worse thing ever because theyre obviously meant to be and this childs existence is a testament to the fact that their (former and/or current) relationship wasnt/isnt perfect. Wellyeah. After 2 months, I initiated for a comeback. I almost lost the fingers on my right hand from it. April 10, 2012, 7:35 pm. Temperance LW, why are you directing all of your anger at this other woman? And _JSW_, if youre reading this too, thanks for an interesting evening. To everyone. If you cant handle the idea that this could happen, then wrap it up, or dont have casual sex. Its probably best hes not in the kids life anyway. Addie Pray If she does your boyfriend will deal with the aftermath of having sex without a condom. That child has done nothing wrong and doesnt deserve to be thrown in the middle of these grown-up problems. BTW, believe it or not, I usually agree with the majority of the commenters here. How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If You Are Pregnant Abortion is incompatible with compelled child support. April 9, 2012, 1:23 pm. Again, he has not opted out of the childs life. Dude, thats seriously out of line. By your logic, its just as much the waiters fault for not making sure the kitchen used different gloves when she didnt bother to tell him just how severe her allergy was. You are talking as if a decision to terminate a pregnancy is as easy as taking out the garbage, as if there are no consequences to it whatsoever. There are many other examples of behavior that might possibly lead to unwanted consequences that we each do daily. Medications interfere with birth control, not taking it at the same time and whole other host of reason why she could have legitimately gotten pregnant on birth control. landygirl I came back to re-read because I was worried my reply would be disjointed and confusing (I wrote it tired last night, with a fever), so Im glad that while its not going to win any literary award, it wasnt totally nonsensical! 3) A parent leaving their child with the other parent, especially one they barely know, isnt the same as putting a child up for adoption. Have whatever sex you want. Abortion and adoption are both horrifying thoughts to Susie but she has no choice. In the same situation currently. April 10, 2012, 9:41 am. Who knew? I also think hes kind of a jerk for having sex with someone he cant stand. 2023 ESSENCE Communications Inc. All Rights Reserved. That isnt the case. She wants to abort Jimmys baby. Shed be less of a real woman if she left the kid on its fathers doorstep and went off footloose and fancy-free while he was left to raise it all alone. Fyrebyrd2 She should have either used additional contraception or not engaged with sex with a man who wasnt actively pursuing fatherhood, because now shes fucking with 2 other peoples lives who do not have an active role in the decision-making process. April 9, 2012, 9:31 pm. In the long run, US ends up with what I like to refer to as the Feminist Mystake. Is he supposed to lie and say shes a wonderful person, if she isnt? I would love, just ONCE on this site, for one of the male commenters to address shitty man behavior. I doubt the conversation went like: Please have an abortion. Thats what youre always nattering about. Its not JUST about your ex-boyfriend, LW. but all those prominent male politicians usually turn out to be gay and not hetero at all.. bittergaymark Except I acknowledged that was guesswork on my part. If a woman wanted to choose to terminate the child, would she be less of a real woman for not stepping up to the responsibility? And as an adult who isnt ready to have children, either, I can empathize with his decision. While I grant you that the lack of control for men once a pregnancy occurs is, in a sense, unfair, I think there is unfairness on both sides of the issue. My heart broke into a million pieces. He told me he will obviously be paying for it but wants nothing to do with her OR the baby.. This LW really doesnt get a say in the matter, true, but if I were her Id take one look at the boyfriends actions and attitudes and dump him. Just something to think about. I agree that using a condom (even when she was on the Pill) would not have necessarily meant she wouldnt have gotten pregnant. Not your body, not your choice. Furthermore, what adult man refuses to have a relationship wit a child he conceived. Government will go after him for either Medical Support and/or Child Support. April 9, 2012, 1:00 pm. .you can call me whatever you like. Then how does the woman get off requiring the man to do it? And, lo and behold, you arent coming across any better. Call me crazy, but I dont see any partys reaction to this crazy. For what its worth, Im a married guy and a father. I cant tell you how many children have grown up thinking something was wrong with THEM because they had a parent who didnt want them. It happens, some people are incredibly fertile. I'm devastated and broken. lets_be_honest Chuck Pelto The fact that he doesnt means hes no good for either of you. Iwannatalktosampson AndreaMarie And before we launch into a discussion of how terrible abortion is, in this case (the LW) were talking about one that is very early on. So, if MEN can be compelled to support children after rape, you must also support the idea that WOMEN can be compelled to support that child in the womb after THEY get raped. No real comment from me today. If theres anyone whos unfairly been put in this mess, its not you its the baby. This doesnt arise from the rights of the mother. . Sorry. But for someone more causal, that isnt really there as much. Men and women have control over conception on the front end of the decision- and a woman is stuck with the pregnancy. Run as if your life depends on it because it does. I always try to take what the LW says at face value though, and a lot of times I turn out to be very wrong when the updates come around, but I still always think its better to react to what they said not what I think they said. Everyone is in charge of their own decisions. I meant post living with HIV that as a correction in that I left the with HIV out of my previous post. I think that one should be able to decide if one is ready to be a parent and, if not, make that clear when there is time to abort the pregnancy. Youre fucking advocating that brilliantly fool-proof method?! Just because hes willing to pay child support doesnt mean hes not a deadbeat and who would want to be with the kind of boy who would abandon his child. And fools are welcome to the horror you and your ilk inflict upon them. Neither are the kids, but thats beside the point where feminism is concerned, right? Um, yeah. April 9, 2012, 11:54 am. are you creating multiple accounts to like your own comments? lets_be_honest Of course it is, but we have no way of knowing that the other woman was lying about that. She left me for him and and now wants me back. Everyone was always on the pill, or the condom broke and plan b didnt work, or things like that. For the woman to turn around after the fact and say, Whups, knocked up! At this point, she doesnt even know for certain that the woman is pregnant or that its his child. Why, my God, you could have hit a chid running out in the street. Therefore, when having sex with a woman, you must assume that she could get pregnant and could keep it even though you dont want it; or on the flip side, abort it even though you dont want her to. Im NOT saying she should abort, just that shes an idiot & she shouldnt expect a one-night stander to suddenly be a father. You clearly didnt comprehend what you were reading very well. It could fail. I get unsettled and frustrated whenever I see my ex girlfriend's photos on Facebook with her boyfriend and pictures of the ultrasound of their baby. Go back and reread the original letter starting with the part where hes furious with the woman he impregnated. female 60+ years on this ball-o-dirt and witnessing the madness going on around this place, as well as being an honest-to-God Christian. I get what youre saying. Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop(Atria Books June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books November 2010; $15). Ah, nothing like some good ol Internet fighting. Solved. Stop this back and forth with him. He could have been one of those unforunate souls that DID protect himself, even with the womans added protection, and it still resulted in a child. Chuck(le) Ex-girlfriend Is Pregnant With Her New Boyfriend's Baby Argh. I think we need to take a poll. Even if you had a vasectomy. In any event, Im happy to hear what youve shared already! Hell pay for it but wants absolutely nothing to do with it. I believe the definition of an immature asshole is a 40-year-old man who wont own up to his responsibility to be a father to the baby he had equal part in creating. I dont see anything wrong with his points. April 9, 2012, 12:08 pm. Adoption is a completely different matter. And if by some chance she does get pregnant itll be difficult but theyre going to get married someday anyway so theyll just start their family earlier than planned. BACKFIRES! Chuck(le) First of all, she seems to think her boyfriends reaction is completely reasonable. Addie Pray lets_be_honest reader, haley 22+, writes (22 June 2008): A Having the right to do something OBVIOUSLY doesnt mean its always a good idea. They arent bad people because of it. The decision to have sex is NOT a decision to have a child. Has a great job. So the law says, hey, you two created this child, you two are responsible for supporting it. I said there and I think it bears repeating here: you have no right to assume the woman you are having sex with has the same views on abortion as you. April 10, 2012, 6:52 pm. April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. Again, this was the perfect time to walk away, and end it with him. However, if a woman has sex with a man, she can make all the choices and decisions, force palimony, and essentially treat that man as their financial slave for the next 18 years. Some said he deserved the label because he exposed the LW to STDs. Move forward with your life. Theres many reasons besides wanting a mans money to not get an abortion. Wow..two mintueswhen did he realize he couldnt stand her before or after the two minutes? You bolster my case by agreeing that he can share responsibility with the mother or simply provide support but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. I do think that in their blind rage, some of the commenters have backed themselves into the position that men become the property of any woman they sleep with, as well as their exs. Story. SMDH! WTH is that?! And whether you think its fair or not that the woman gets the final say on whether to abort or not and the father has to live with that decision, it doesnt matter. The laws are unfair because they arent designed to be fair to the PARENTS- theyre designed to work in the best interest of the innocent child that didnt choose to be born. I dont know why you dont understand that people think this guy is a scum, because he has said that he is going to be a deadbeat dad, and is pretty much taking no responsibility for what happened. I just dont see any part of the circumstance that allows a 40 year old man who was having consensual sex to take the other issues out on his own child by refusing to have anything to do with it. April 12, 2012, 2:47 am. Welp, he didnt run after you, and instead he ran to another woman for comfort and now she is pregnant. He didnt marry you. And water. female He sounds a bit flakey. A douchenozzle? The kid has no blame here. 2. Now after checking his texts, why did you confront the other women? No, a responsible father who is involved in the childs life will get joint custody. Ill never understand the chicks who want to blame/curse/fight the other woman like the dude has no part in the whole mess. It doesnt have to toss a ball with you to help with your rehab or take pictures of you with your new arm. Whoever is saying otherwise is simply wrong. I dont think the LW can handle a relationship where another woman has her mans child. He chose not to take the steps to avoid making a baby, and to avoid putting himself (and you!) This guy isnt worth anyones time. LW, you need to take time to look at what you want in your life. Two. This is so hard for me. Im usually just a lurker here on DW, but the strong debate over this letter compelled me to comment. First, if you cant live without someone, why did you need a break? If this is the case with this woman, then she may well not be at all thrilled to be pregnant and not expecting anything from this guy. But if its not, ITA with Amanda, LW. But I just watched this documentary on ecstasy users whose brains were literally rotting away (Ah!!! Thats what IVF is for either the male or the female gives of their own gametes. They dont want to have spirited logical debate, they want to vent and lash out at people. But even though I led you to think I didnt want to become pregnant, Im going to keep the baby and thereby obligate you to two decades of child support, is, while totally within her rights, still a massive breach of the pre-coital understanding, express and implied, between the parties. Its very clear that you care a great deal about the quality of your childs life and emotional well-being.