Absolutely! I want collaborators, not pupils. If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. 1. It means people will help you less, go out of their way for you less, give you poorer recommendations for your next job, and on and on. Im sure its benignly intended but its intrusive. If I just say it sounds fun but Im not up to it, they respect that. 2. eh, my mother does that. While we're sure there are plenty more things people do for fun, these are some good hobbies to mention: Outdoors activities like rock climbing, hiking, cycling, etc. But I have wondered if I answer with imaginary bf and I have x-plans, if the questions would stop. Hah. Ive realized its very important for us. It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? This has not happened to me, that I know about, but aunt has a sibling who does not hang out with the family much, for reasons that dont need exploring at this juncture, and I have heard them say stuff like I cant believe shed rather [wash her hair/go to the doctor/chores/etc] than have lunch with us. or right out, shes making up excuses to not go out with us. And some family members are theyre hurt by it and some just dont get it. 200 Sarcastic Quotes 1. I didnt feel like talking to her much for several months. 3. My answer to this question is almost invariably Not sure yet, why? or Havent quite decided, how about you?, This might elicit a Well I was just wondering if youd like to to which I will respond, That sounds better than what I was planning, count me in or Hmm, thanks for thinking of me but I dont think Ill be able to this time. ME: Hi [Friend], Id like to plan a karaoke night with you, are you free [date] or [date]? Im glad for the above scripts! The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? If they want to tell you about their job, they can. I like to respond with Doing nothing. Happy Weekend Wishes, Messages and Quotes - WishesMsg Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). person: cool yep Always? See also: people who wont pick a restaurant, when the answer to every question is whatever you want.***. When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. Mostly they arent great at invitations. Its like theyre trying to help you come up with justifications for saying no before they even ask you the question. [Note to my friend who also reads CA, this is not you ], I tend to do direct invites, sometimes with a range of possible dates, but I have occasionally done the We should do [X] sometime! and had months go by without getting around to organizing [X], even if Ive extended other invitations to the person also interested in [X]. On the other hand, there are the problem/dominance-related ones: 1. And Im sorry for that. What are you doing Thursday is a way to start a convo gently and without losing face, giving the answerer has the option of answering negatively, positively, or neutrally. This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. Im trying to train her out of the habit. People here may be disagreeing that it should be a normal social rule, but if you change your behavior to meet that, youll be wrong by other standards. 7. Its just in the past year or so that its cropped up repeatedly, with different people at different establishments. Nobody listens anyway. The week after is all good. I love days where I have no obligations and I can go where the wind takes me. So far, everyone Ive said this to has gotten the message that I want an obligation free day. I do have a preference for having the What are you up to Friday? question asked first though because I appreciate that they want to respect my schedulewhenever I book hangs with my good friends, we let each other know what blocks of time are going to be rough to fit each other into and know not to ping them too much during those times. Is this just aimless small-talk? 10 Ways To Say "Hope You're Doing Well" (+PDF) - Justlearn Every weekend! Oh, stop it, will you? Culture or not, Im very sympathetic to people who have a hard time saying no, since that used to be me. I was never taught that was the correct answer. If they want to tell you about their kids, they can. How about you?. Not every parent who expects stuff from their kid is unreasonable. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. That being said, I am always happy when I get to tell people that I dont answer that question because the answer gets me stereotyped and it keeps us from getting to know each other as individuals. After reading comments, Ive come to the conclusion that Ive over-generalized my preference (anxiety? I slept for twelve minutes while perching on top of my desk like a bird! In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. Funny Bumble Answers #3: Rebel Without A Cause This answer is funny because it paints a picture in the woman's mind of a rebel, even in his youth. Im an introvert that needs enough time in my week for quieter things around my own home without people. I think there is something to be said for family relationships between adults where the balance is between emotional labor and responsibility for the home rather than money. If I get hungry enough, Ill consider eating them. This is true, but it will almost certainly come with a cost. I think it goes back to the same annoyng assumption there are people who assume your time is theirs. Accompany your morning treating with a Halloween wish. its BANK HOLIDAY?. to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. And if I do want to see her, then I just tell her something freed up in my schedule and ask if shes available or if theres anything she wants to do. Ive now got a standard policy of dont know, Ill have to check my calendar and get back to you. I like the fact that at my workplace, anything of that sort gets a polite reminder to all that US citizens come in accents of infinite variety, and its rude to imply that people arent from here in the same way that others are over something like an accent. Lets do it.). And found myself saying yes more often than I wanted to. Why? Sorry about that! Here's a more thorough list of things Siri manages to do well most of the time: Making a call / Facetime. But of course Im going to judge her reason for refusing. That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. And then you get people who let it go there and people who keep fishing (where are your parents from? etc etc because they think its impolite to ask WHAT are you, but they really really want to know, so they know what stereotypes to assign you, as you said, or even because theyre just curious, like youre an object). This strikes me as so strange! No way. But it needs to be a set rent, that can be codified and set down in a form you could use with any other adult, should the fancy take you. Want to go to the turnip festival with me or are you busy? Well, Im not busy but I also dont want to go to any turnip festival ever. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. @Helen Huntingdon, that is good to know, re feelings and setting off yellow flags. Thats the way to go. If you want to invite them, INVITE. ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. Theres an element of contempt to it, that this is what you would be doing with your time. My vote is toss her out and let her adult. friend: yep cool Give small truths. I felt disliked, maybe undervalued, often embarrassed (and some of that came from my own brainweasles or ablism in broader society, not primarily my parents) but never unsafe. Another option is to have certain chores that a certain person does (e.g. Your friends and family will get off the phone with you and wonder why they aren't grabbing life by the horns the way you are. Umm.pardon me, I wasn't listening. Also, again in the UK, if the person is literally asking, the emphasis will be strongly on are. that sounds fun! WHAT WILL YOU DO AT THE WEEKEND?? Me: .No. If the reason for you that you daughter should help you at X time with X thing is because family, is the reverse also true? Theyre so nice and interested, they cant possibly be racist/microaggressive! Makes sense. So setting a rent that I would for any other adult is simply not applicable. Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. Dont do that to a friend. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!. I can see where laundry might be a perfectly good excuse NOT to go with your aunt to somewhere you dont want to go. Your parent or in-law will not die if they cant railroad your schedule. LW has a LOT of reason to be bugged by this approach to seeking a date it carries a hefty implied threat because of what abusive men in our society have built it into en masse. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. Dont for a second feel guilty about judging a nosy male as no good if they ask nosy questions and show any sign of caring if you dont answer. Im thinking the letter we had a while back with mandatory no premade food potlucks is a glaring example of a culture that needs changed, but I would also like to see room in the workplace for people who are good at their work but are reserved/private/not interested in relationships with their coworkers outside of work. Once in a college class, we had a group of students who had American parents but had grown up in other countries come and talk to us about the experience of having a foot in two cultures. Sometimes we dont have plans, but that doesnt mean Im willing to just let her do any old activity. As such, I like to preface it with taking care of some stuff. Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. Sometimes this takes several rounds before everyone realizes theyve done their line but missed their cue. D- Dearest relaxing days. to invent some activity or decide how much to share), and 3.allowing you to then respond either positively or negatively to whatever suggestion comes next. 11 Online Dating First Message Examples That Get Responses - VIDA Select Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. LW, in case youre feeling that so many comments along these lines invalidate your feelings about the question or imply that youre making a big deal out of nothing, I wanted to chime in to say that my reaction to reading your letter was an immediate OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER?!. I think this is an expected thing for women to do. How am I right now? 30+ funny good morning memes to send to your family and friends Riding an elephant. You have to answer the . In my experience small-talking cashiers/customer service people, giving them an opening to chat is the surest way to get out of having to fill the conversation myself. Its okay to say you are within your rights to do these things anyway, because you are. So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. (beaming smile) (speaking a bit slowly) So you go on (big cheery gesture) on your own because youre interrupting our discussion time.. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. One thing to add if youre not in the headspace to perform happy (thanks for putting it so well, @Mookie), taking it day by day is also a cliched but handy phrase. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted.. Bonus points if you say something that makes zero sense, but you end up getting your family to look at you like a genius anyway. Why, whatve you got? with a tone implying that weekends are always full of important adulting chores that I really dont want to do, but adults gotta adult, you know? Are you planning something?. I have been thinking about this one for some time now, and Im stuck: What is a good response to What are you up to tonight / this weekend / next Thursday?. Trying to build a house. You can begin with, "I hope this email finds you well," which has the same meaning as "Hope you are doing well". And suddenly many things became clear. For me, laundry is a good excuse, because you can make it seems as small or as big as youd like. (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. I also get your daughter refusing to comply with requests that arent made with at least normal adult civility it was not even a request, in fact, but an order. My range is from fine, thanks, and you to tired but otherwise good to a real answer but nothing too dark or detailed. I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? I know this is a small complaint, in the grand scheme of things, and I usually handle it by changing the subject to something Im interested in if I *do* feel like conversing. It gives you a window into each others lives and invites you to share something about yourself. No other adult would be here. Her presence in this household is ONLY because of her family relationship. For an acquaintance, depends. Any/all such inquiries get an automatic Unsure have to ask my other half., Sans that Id just go with Unsure. They have the right to call on us and expect us to come through. It avoids (in their mind) making the person feel pressured to commit if they dont actually want to. Busy busy busy! So, sometimes it is a trap! (that said, I do aim at treating her the way I would an adult roommate.) I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. I expect either Oh were going to see New Movie/having a picnic/running errands or I dunno, usually followed by how about you? Its a low pressure small talk question, most of the time. "It's going well.". They dont really need the details, and wouldnt know what to do with them. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. Which is why weve all learned to use our words, though it takes some learning and there are still occasional misunderstandings. All five are initial questions, appropriate for a relatively fast . I should add it somewhat depends on how well I know the person. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. Sometimes friends do tell me theyre free, but if I suggest something, they might still say nah, not what I want to do this weekend and thats fine as well! Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. I really like this point! )/co-workers, who usually uses the So what are you doing this weekend? as an opener to telling me all the awesome stuff theyve planned for themself for the weekend. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. Answer vaguely. This comment has clarified a thing for me. I hear you. And when I say angling, it might not be in a cornering way. If you dont want to do something tell them youre not allowed and your parents are really strict etc. Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. Humor is one of the best ways to respond to being asked out, as long as it's well-received. ME: Great! I have one dear friend in particular that has the busiest social life I know. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. We received your email and will get back to you with a (human) response as soon as possible. I live in a face culture, so saving the face of the invitee who wants to turn your invitation down is very important. I suspect some of the people who are giving a vaguer yeah to the lets hang out have answered what they thought was an actual suggestion with Saturdays are good for me and gotten um, er, Im kind of busy these days, Ill call you and never hearing back. Im self employed so I can realistically be working at any time and date. "See, I will finally make you smile.". These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! 20 Funny Out-of-Office Messages to Inspire Your Own [+ Templates] - HubSpot Part of why Im asking is I just plain find it baffling that parents do this, though the consequences loom large enough. And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). If it doesnt work with my schedule, I will tell you. So, I have learned its a lot easier if I answer I might be working that weekend (which has the benefit of being true, I do work most weekends) and then find out what she wants to do and decide if I want to go. Threading has run out, so replying to your top comment, spd please try to avoid using the word spazzy. As a little anecdote my ex-husband and I had just started attending a new ward in his church when a guy our age wed chatted with a few times asked us what we were doing on Halloween. Hi / hello + [thing I want to talk about] can almost seem too abrupt in that context, particularly among peers. What are you doing Thursday? What are you doing - Best ways to answer this question I may need some babysitting Improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett 4. He doesnt need to be that nosy about how you spend your time. It gives them nothing, and forces them to divulge their plans. The hubs and I do the same. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. Yep yep yep. Them: What are you doing this weekend? 3. Its not a question I like either, some of which is due to manipulative/pushy people angling for my time/energy like in the letter, and some of it is due to feeling like I have to feign excitement or a more interesting life in order to keep the conversation going, which is draining (IDK if this is an introvert vs extrovert thing or like how some people seem to have no trouble filling the conversation or making their lives sound interesting; I am not one of those people).